People Valuing Death Less, Reaper Overworked

I think after September 11th the American people are valuing life more and realizing that we need policies to value the dignity and worth of every life. And President Bush has worked to say, let's be reasonable, let's work to value life, let's try to reduce the number of abortions, let's increase adoptions. And I think those are the kind of policies that the American people can support, particularly at a time when we're facing an enemy, and really the fundamental difference between us and the terror network we fight is that we value every life.
--Karen Hughes, appearing on CNN Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer

APRIL 27, 2004—Moving souls from this world to the next is no easy task, especially given post 9-11 attitudes toward the value of life, says the much maligned and often misunderstood Grim Reaper.

Speaking via phone from his three-story condo in the Underworld on Tuesday, Mr. Reaper lamented the increased workload that he has had to undertake since late 2001, when much of the world’s population started valuing life more and death less.

“People just don’t understand,” Mr. Reaper said, “Death is a market like any other. When people start valuing life more, the price on souls skyrockets. I have to work like 90 hours a week just to get the cash to meet my quota. I don't even know if I'll make it this quarter.” On top of the burden of long hours, Reaper noted, is the fact that under the Department of Labor's new Fairpay Initiative, he is no longer eligible for overtime pay.

The audibly exhausted Reaper compared his current work situation to that of before 9-11. “People ask me—haven’t humans always placed a high price on life? I mean, yeah, people in the old days still valued life. Even back then, they clung to it with a profound, almost unfathomable fervor, driven to live by their most basic survival instincts. But now…I dunno, it’s just at a whole new level. People think that the unrest in the middle east makes my job is easy, but it's much more complicated than that.”

Fortunately, there are moments of respite for Reaper. Once in a while a group that really values death will shake the market. Reaper counts terrorists and abortion advocates among his most valued supporters. “I don’t know what I’d do without those abortion rallies getting everyone all excited about dying,” he said. “Without them, I’d have probably worked myself to death by now.”

Reaper also notes that he has non-human life to fall back on when he’s in a crunch. “Sometimes on a really rough Monday I’ll hit up a livestock farm or an Alaskan wildlife preserve,” he admitted. “It's not as prestigious to pick up one of those lives as compared to a human life, but they're a hell of a lot cheaper and really easy to nab.”

When asked which presidential candidate he endorses, Mr. Reaper replied that he is as of yet undecided, pointing out that comparing John Kerry's support for the death of little clumps of cells to President Bush's support for the death of fully formed humans is "like comparing apples and scythes."

However, Mr. Reaper does feel that he has the ear of the president and he says that that's important to him. Reaper said: "I've spoken to the president about the war in Iraq on several occasions and he was very responsive. I think he forgot my name because he kept calling me "Lord," but I'm not going to hold that against him since I really think he has the potential to represent my interests. He just may be my man."

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